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In Control: Learning to Let God be God.

Well, here we are.  My love and I are home after our “intensive” week of counseling.  It was a very long, exhausting week, but we learned a lot about ourselves and our relationship.  I will share much more in the weeks to come.  We are still processing much of the information, and we’re still finalizing our “treatment plans.” There is one thing I would like to go ahead and talk about that I had to face about myself this week: I am a control freak y’all!

The Delusion

It’s not like that was a giant revelation.  Of course, I already knew I had control issues.  I’m not sure I had faced the fact that those control issues were really becoming a problem when it comes to my love’s recovery though.

For some reason it brings me some sort of comfort to believe that it’s my responsibility to “help” my love figure out exactly what he should be doing in every moment of his recovery.  As if I am his Holy Spirit.  That is straight up sin you guys! I most certainly am NOT his Holy Spirit! He has the actual Holy Spirit of God living in him, and I’m not it!

The Dangers

There are quite a few reasons why this sin is a real problem: for both me and for him!


It hurts my relationship with God when I’m too focused on someone else’s heart to hear what He’s saying about my own!

I have found myself over and over again reading the Bible for him.  He is sitting right next to me reading the same passage I am, yet I’m reading it as if I have to tell him what God wants him to learn from that passage.  It’s pathetic! God wants to speak to me about me when I am reading His Word!  We all know about the plank-eye passage, but I also think of this one in James:

When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgement on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the One who is able to save and destroy! But you - who are you to judge your neighbor? James 4:11-12

For the sake of my own relationship with God I have to stop! I have to start listening to what He wants to say to me through His Word! It is living and active and sharper than any double edged sword!  I need to be divided by it!  I need to allow it to separate out my own sinful nature and destroy it by the power of the Holy Spirit living in me!  That is what I want to do, and I am resolving to do it!

I have to listen to what the Word of God has to say to ME. It is living and active and sharp. I need to be divided by it. Click To Tweet


It hurts my love’s relationship with God by silencing the voice of the Holy Spirit in him and replacing it with my own.  When he doesn’t know what to do in a situation, instead of seeking God, he just asks me.  It encourages him to make an idol of me.  YIKES!  I don’t want to be anyone’s idol!  When I say it like that it terrifies me!  What have I done? We already know that my love has a real problem with being able to silence or at least ignore his conscience.  He has to relearn how to listen to that still small voice inside of him and then have the courage to obey it.  It is absolutely CRUCIAL to his recovery that this happen, and I somehow think I’m helping by silencing it further!?!?  What a critical mistake I have made, and I am so SO sorry!

The Solution

I need some help here, but I am resolving to stop this sinful practice.  I am making a choice to release my love to God.  I absolutely understand that he was never in my hands to begin with, but in my heart I believed he was, so it is still a big step to release that control…even if it was just a delusion to begin with!  We’re working on putting together a treatment plan for our future, and this is going to be a big part of it for me.  My hands are coming off.  He was never mine to begin with.  I am praying this prayer for our future:

“Dear Lord, please take this man that I love so much!  He is so much safer in Your hands than in mine!  Help me to acknowledge and believe that!  Help me to remember that no matter how much I think I love him, Your love for him is greater.  My love is flawed and selfish and tainted by sin!  Your love is perfect.  You want what is good for him even more than I do!  Even when I think that I am helping him, he is ultimately still in Your sovereign control.  You are good and righteous and faithful!  You created him and you are working and molding him into what You want him to be.  Help me to keep my hands off!  Help me to learn how I can truly help rather than control.  Help me to be the wife You want me to be!  Forgive me for trying to take Your place in his life! It was so wrong, and I am so sorry!  Please redeem any damage I may have done in his heart! I renounce any lasting damage that has been done in my heart because of this sin and ask that You cleanse me.  Calm the fears that arise in my heart as I recognize the great pain that could still result from our situation. Help me to trust You!  Dear God, please, PLEASE, give him victory over the terrible sin that has caused so much pain in our life together!  Make us new and beautiful and use us to bring glory to YOU!  I love you Lord! Amen.”

*How about you? Have you ever made the mistake of trying to speak for God to someone you loved? Have you allowed that to get in the way of hearing from God for yourself? What did you do to get victory over that? Let us know in the comments below!

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***Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

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  1. Beka

    Oh my, how this stung! I have been guilty of the same thing.

    Although (with God’s help) I’ve gotten better about telling Him what God says. However, I often ask questions to try and figure out if he’s getting the message from God that I think he should!- which is just as bad!

    Thank you for this post and the prayer at the end- much needed.

    • Esther Hosea

      Thanks Beka! I think almost all wives are guilty of this at one time or another. I’m so thankful for a God who keeps working with us and opening our eyes to these sorts of errors as we seek and follow Him!

  2. Kira Bridges

    Oh I feel you! It is so tempting to act as Holy Spirit to our husbands and even our children (which is also wrong). I love what you said in your prayer, he is safer in God’s hands then in yours. Amen! I think all of us control types need to embrace that truth.

    • Esther Hosea

      So true Kira. I am not anybody’s Holy Spirit. Not my husband, not my kids, not my friends, not the people in my church or small group, not my blog audience, not anyone! Thanks!

  3. [email protected]

    I also have been guilty of this in the past. A couple of years ago, God really worked in my heart to leave my husband in his hands. I had the revelation, by the Holy Spirit, that I had been holding him tight in my hands because I thought I could change him. In that moment, I gave him over to God. Sometimes, it’s still tempting to pick that up again. That’s why posts like this are great-they remind not to.

    • Esther Hosea

      Thanks Rosanna, I think this is a life-long struggle for many of us! And you’re right, we need each other for the reminders that they’re better off in God’s hands.

    • Esther Hosea

      Amen! It isn’t easy. At all. But He has proven Himself trustworthy again and again. He’s just better at it than me!

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